Am I in the wrong?, Just venting, folks. Options

[SwissFerdi]

Just to clear things up from the start, I live with my dad. His girlfriend pays for groceries, and my dad pays for college tuition and books (I have a scholarship covering 78 dollars per credit hour). However, I don't contribute monetarily to the household. My mother, on the other hand, pays for my insurance (health, car) and paid for the car itself...pretty much providing me with everything else I need. My parents are divorced.

Having said that, my dad is pretty strict, stubborn, hard-headed, and close-minded. I have no problem with the guy most of the time. However, I had a girl over last night, we watched a movie and just chilled, cuddled, etc., nothing more. She ended up staying over for the night (and I was just enlightened again that this is not acceptable). Apparently his girlfriend noticed she was still there in the morning (don't know how) and told him, along with the fact that I left some dirty dishes on the counter-top from when we made food. So he calls me up and reams me a new one for breaking some ground rules...well, the fact is that a) nothing happened, b) his girlfriend did not inquire whatsoever to the situation, I haven't even talked to her about it since I haven't seen her, and C), he does not know the girl since he's away to work and I basically just met her. I did introduce her to his girlfriend when we came in.

So basically, I feel like this is unnecessarily overprotective. I'm 19, an adult by American standards, responsible, and respectful of the rules. There's no way I'll have Ferdi Jr.'s running around anytime soon, and it's ridiculous to be so protective when he hasn't even met the girl yet.

All in all, I really like this girl and she feels the same way, so I don't want a potential relationship to be ruined because of this.

This post has been edited by SwissFerdi: Oct 13, 2009 - 9:43 PM

[95CelicaST]

Well it's a tough situation. You live at home, and as such you should follow the house rules, regardless of you being a legal adult or not.


but there is also a point where house rules should be amended, if you will. You need to sit down with your father and discuss this situation, because it's only going to cause more problems.

Or, you can move out and get your own place. Then you set your own rules. That is what I did at 19.

[SwissFerdi]

Which is why I stated that I was dependent...I don't want to sound like a spoiled rotten douche either. But that's exactly my point, and I will talk to him. I don't think much will change, he's always been this way.

And moving out is a possibility, but I've set on being here for two years getting my AA at a local college, and then transferring to the University of Florida for my BA.

This post has been edited by SwissFerdi: Oct 13, 2009 - 9:56 PM

[TRD_Ian]

i ran in to this issue before i moved out....i payed for my own car.insurance gas and was going to trade school and was paying room and board as soon as high school was over


so i sat down with my folks and they set rules and i set rules myself one of them was i was aloud to have girls over....

i explained i was active and that being able to stay home with a girl was alot safer then trying to get home nights after partying or trying to rail in the back seat of a tercel...i lived in my own lil apartment thing down stairs so they didnt have to see or hear any one coming or going.....i ltr moved away from home were i created my own rules and pretty much had my girl friend live with me (big frigin mistake lol) for 2 years then moved back home after being laid off..... new girl friend apeared and i went threw the rule deal again when my mom interupted me and the gf one night while in the middle of it....i explained im 22 i pay room and board and live in an apartment pretty much....unless u want a cranky 22 year old on ur case let me have my fun...its not harming u any.....its been great ever since

[yarik83]

I dont know your personally and in all likelyhood I will never meet you in person or otherwise. Everything that I am about to say is based on what any young adult goes through so don't think that I have some sort of grudge against you.

Lets start with the basics. You are a kid. You are a kid. You are a kid. You are 19 and obviously seek female companionship. At the same time you are being cared for by 2 adults and regardless of whether you do or do not have a scholarship you are still living with one of your divorced parents. That being said your dad is in the right to demand things of you and set ground rules whether you like it or not. If it was your mom, then same scenario would apply. For as long as you live under someone's wing (aka someone claims you as dependent on their tax return) you will remain a kid. Now I do not claim to know what your personal financial situation is but having been through similar scenario myself, I left my parent's nest when I was still in high school. I packed my bags and said that I need to go. My parents gave me room to breathe, finally. Mind that I struggled for a year and eventually graduated from school and went to college. This is where you are in the wrong again. Sir. Nobody gives a squirly fkunk if you have an associate degree. That is like saying I flip burgers and make 1 dollar more than person next to me. Associate degree is just a way for college to extract more money from you just like having a minor(s) alongside with your major. Another reason for you to reconsider going to community college is because you need easy classes to balance out your hard classes in a big college. If you plan to be anything, trust me you will need to maintain a positive gpa in college to keep being enrolled. If you took all your general classes in other institution your overall gpa will be floating at 2.5 unless you are a genius and can get straight a's and b's. Now back to topic. Because you are 19, it is expected of you to start doing hanky panky, responsibly. If you feel that it will help your dad to do the official "sit down" father-son conversation then by all means tell your father that you need to talk even if you know everything, it will give him confidence in you. Tell your step-mother I guess that your private life is not exactly her business but if she insists then listen to what she has to say and agree. She probably went through same thing as you are going through right now and she is trying in her awkward way to help you through this.
Finally getting back to main topic. Do not think, not even for a second that you are an adult. You can be 43 or 98 and for as long as someone pays for all your bills, all your expenses and all your expenses and yes all your expenses... you can not consider yourself an adult. If you live alone on a very very tight budget it will cost you about $1500 just to survive every month. If you live in a dorm with roommates then your rent is cheaper, obviously but if you had to start from scratch you would be paying at least a 1000 anyways. That being said you need to either leave the nest or bite your tongue. Every teenager goes through this. Does not matter what color, race, nationality or gender. We all reach young adulthood and parents expect us to leave even if they dont tell us directly. Ask your parents to provide you a list of expenses and cower in fear of what is expecting you when you are out there on your own. It costs $10000 dollars a year to provide for a baby.. You are 19 with bigger aspirations, it probably costs twice that amount to provide you with things that you have such as food, roof, no bills to pay for, books, ipods, cell phones, cars and what have you.

Here is what I think you should do. Sit down and talk with your mom, dad and his new lady. Present your case as politely as you can, not raising voice and provide reason for everything that you are trying to tell them. Develop a plan with them in which you either follow their rules or start your own life or start bringing money to the table. Show them that you are not only 19 but 19 years old who is also an adult. More importantly what you need to keep in mind is that no matter how old you are, you will always be their kiddo. Heck I am 26 and my mom still buys me socks, boxers, shirts, t-shirts, countless picture frames and winter coats. I just say thank you, pile it up with the rest of my stuff and keep going forward. Granted I have been on my own since 99, I still let my mom be my mom every now and then. Your dad loves you as does your mom. They may not necessarily show it through cuddling or tucking you in but every step that you take they are either guiding you through it or standing behind what you do. Keep that in mind.

[Random_Stranger]

Man, you want to know something funny? My mom is like your dad. I am 27 and just moved back home. Now, since I am getting old, my mother DOES want me to have a girlfriend and have them over, but the problem is, I spent so much of my life chasing girls, that now? Now I don't even care about all that. After seeing how a lot of women are, and seeing what I am more passionate about (cars, duh), I just meet girls and treat them like any guy friend of mine (strangely, this plays them into my hands more than ever, but whatever). Anyways, I moved out when I was 24 for a year or so, and before then, my mom would get mad if my girlfriend (who she really liked very much by the way, as well as my whole entire family) did stay the night. She would say things like "You need to respect her and not do anything with her like that" or "This ain't no Hotel!" and that was how I was brought up. She did baby me for a long time growing up, which I can understand why even now, she may have her moments, which is fine because I understand that in her eyes, I will always be her baby (usually happens to the 1st born).

So, perhaps your dad is just concerned about you getting a girl pregnant, or if you did in fact leave dirty dishes (which I get reamed for as well, as it is my job to clean up at night) that you might let having a girlfriend affect and gain priority over your responsibilities. Which, to you may not seem like a big idea, leaving a few dirty dishes, however in the eyes of a parent who may be over protective, yet wants to raise you in such a fashion, may see it that way.

It's not a big deal, just respect them no matter how silly because it won't be like that forever and when you have your own place you can do whatever you wish. But when you live with roommates and you see how truly different people are due to how they were brought up, you will understand why they are like that.

Having said that, I had a roommate that had no regards for anyone else. Had his girlfriend over every single day, even when she was sick. Always watching tv in the living room "their shows", showering together in a bathroom I shared with him (which I thought was gross considering they are both dirty people and my stuff was in there, so I moved my things into my other roommates bathroom), and splitting the garage/driveway between my other roommate with me on one side, and my other roommates crusty azz car and his crusty gf's car on the other side (who didn't take good care or care for the exterior of their cars by the way).

So in the end, being raised a certain way affects how you live with others I suppose. Sometimes they are things you shouldn't let get to you, however they do because of how you were raised. Sorry I wrote a lot, but hope you see this all in another light.

[SwissFerdi]

Thanks for the input guys.

Yarik, that was exactly why I said 'I'm 19, an adult by American standards.' I don't believe in that, and I have the same view...I won't really be an adult until I move out. I mentioned the degree to show my intention of living with my dad for another two years, not to boast...not like nobody ever goes to college.

I'm going to talk to dad's GF to see her point of view...as I see it as incredibly unnecessary for her to have called my dad right away, rather than consulting me the next day about her/whatever we did.

This post has been edited by SwissFerdi: Oct 14, 2009 - 4:27 PM

[tomazws]

Yea just talk to them. Try your best not to turn it into a fight. You're living a fine life with everything being paid for. Don't ruin it.

[SwissFerdi]

Well, I talked to the girlfriend. She felt that it was disrespectful for me to bring anyone over without consulting my dad, while I hadn't even considered that. I figured she was the adult in the household and that it would be fine. I was planning on telling him next time we talked on the phone.

Also, the aforementioned girlfriend felt disrespected and put on the spot...I'm not really seeing that. Being that she has three girls herself (all who were pregnant before the age of 22) I can see why she'd be concerned...but I told her that me and the girl had worked out that there would be no love-making for a while. That didn't matter to her, which I think is pretty rude considering we'd set boundaries and limits.

Having said that, she said herself that she has no responsibility over my actions, so this is up to my dad. I'm trying to be reasonable about this, but I've told the girl pretty much everything...which will pretty much guarantee tension between everyone. Stupid move on my part, probably.

[SlvrCelica09]

Well, I talked to the girlfriend. She felt that it was disrespectful for me to bring anyone over without consulting my dad, while I hadn't even considered that. I figured she was the adult in the household and that it would be fine. I was planning on telling him next time we talked on the phone.

Also, the aforementioned girlfriend felt disrespected and put on the spot...I'm not really seeing that. Being that she has three girls herself (all who were pregnant before the age of 22) I can see why she'd be concerned...but I told her that me and the girl had worked out that there would be no love-making for a while. That didn't matter to her, which I think is pretty rude considering we'd set boundaries and limits.

Having said that, she said herself that she has no responsibility over my actions, so this is up to my dad. I'm trying to be reasonable about this, but I've told the girl pretty much everything...which will pretty much guarantee tension between everyone. Stupid move on my part, probably.

I think your handling the situation very maturely, now as for your Dad's girlfriend, im not sure whether or not she even cares about whats going on.. or just wants to win some cool points from your Dad. Btw, did you let your Dad's girlfriend know that you were bring your GF over? if not then I can maybe see her point on how its kinda disrespectful.. but If you did then yea, shes just trying to win over your Dad.

I'd say talk to your Dad man to man again, let him know that you felt there wasn't a problem since she was there.. its not like no one at all was there. Mention that nothing happened between you two sexually, and If there is still tension, then learn from it and ask next time your bring her over. But again you did nothing stupid at all, you just wanted to bring a friend over and hang out.. nothing stupid about that.

[SwissFerdi]

Btw, did you let your Dad's girlfriend know that you were bring your GF over? if not then I can maybe see her point on how its kinda disrespectful..

I told the GF that I was going to get a friend and that I'd be back in an hour, and when we came back I introduced her right away. So I do feel there's some injustice on her part.

The biggest reason that I was pissed before is because I thought she'd inferred that the girl would stay over. But she called my dad that same night to tell him that I had brought someone over (again, she feels it was disrespectful that I did not let my dad know). However, she heard us talking the following morning...so she then called him again to tell him that she had stayed the night.

This post has been edited by SwissFerdi: Oct 14, 2009 - 8:03 PM

[yarik83]

How close are you to that girl-friend of yours? It might be a good idea to bring her in so that both of you could talk to your dad. Remember, the more reason you bring to the table, the better your odds are to resolve this whole thing the way you want.

[saleeka]

I may be completely wrong, but it kind of sounds like your Dad's GF has issues with you being in the picture. You specifically tell her you are going to be bringing someone over, and she doesn't raise any concerns with you when you tell her this. She also doesn't say anything to you when you introduce your friend to her, but she then calls Dad and relays everything that’s going on and how it's upsetting her, leaving you no real opportunity to live up to the expectations she has for you... Now your dad is upset with you not because you had a girl over (I’m assuming here), but because from his perspective you are disrespectful to his GF. I don't see things changing much for you here until your Dad's girlfriend realizes that she isn't going to be able to make you understand where she is coming from by having someone else tell you for her after the fact...

[GriffGirl]

Well here's another "adult" perspective - not to undermine you guys who've posted your opinions, but having at least 10+ years on the majority of you, I think I have a different perspective. Additionally, I also have a 23 year old living in my house while he goes to school.

1) The father's girlfriend: she may have felt it wasn't her place to say anything to you about you bringing the girl home and her staying the night. I know I wouldn't feel it was my place to do so. Further, being that it's really NOT her place, and that she's actually RESPECTING you AND your father by acting as such, it's important as adults that in these situations, the parent isn't undermined. Her going to your father is exactly what I would've done too, so as not to undermine HIS authority, regardless of how old you are. Which leads me to...

2) His house, his rules. It's that simple. Even if you WERE paying rent to live there. It's still his house. End of story. If you don't like, it, get your own house/apartment.

You're in school full time? Great. I fully support that and further, I fully support the 2 years in community college as a segway to a 4 year school where you can earn your bachelor's. It's an effective and economical way to do it, and no one will even ask much less give a rat's ass that you spent the 1st two years in CC. For that matter, it shows practical thinking. Ultimately prospective employers care about the four-year piece of paper and that you got it, now HOW you got it (unless of course it's because you bought it on line ) Good for you, keep up the good work.

Now get a job. Go to school at night (night tuition is often cheaper, too!) and work full time during the day so you can pay your rent and living expenses in your newfound independence you call an apartment. It will suck, and you will be CONSTANTLY busy and exhausted. But it's a price worth paying if you want to live by your own rules. I did it, also at 19, and you know what? It took me longer to finish school, because there were a couple of semesters that I just didn't have it in me to carry a full course load and work full time (I worked 6 days a week, actually). But I did it, I earned a BFA, and I did it COMPLETELY independently, save for financial help from my mother for school supplies only. And this was in NYC - and NYC is EXPENSIVE to live in. I didn't even have a roommate. I lived in a GREAT apartment in a great neighborhood and managed.

If this isn't something that you feel is a viable option for you, that's fine, no one will respect you any less. But you have to understand that the trade-off for that kind of freedom is that you must live under the rules of the person who's house you're living in. ESPECIALLY when it's a parent's home. You're just gonna have to suck it up.

[dustin15brown]

Did you beat that joint? I would, often.
either that, or
Hit it and quit mane




























sorry, i couldn't help myself.
In reality, Michelle nailed it

[TRD_Ian]

lol hit it and quit it yo!

id say ditch the celica and invest in a ford econoline... put in some nice shag carpet and a matress in the back and the ur set....for get about doing the hokey pokey in ur dads place u have ur own bonified shagin wagon!

[SwissFerdi]

^ The Celica does not serve well for that purpose.

Michelle, I agree with you. I understand what you guys are saying and I appreciate it. I talked it over with my mom as well and she said that she felt it was a little unreasonable.

However, I'm not moving out. I am looking for a job to pay for some things for myself, etc., but honestly...I'm comfortable here (huge no sh!t).

Having said that, I think she's coming over again on saturday so she can meet my dad...I'll see what happens then.

[SeverX13]

well, when i was living at home, no matter what i said about being a legal adult i got the same sh!t "if your living under our roof, you play by our rules." "as long as we are paying for your insurance and school, you play by our rules" so i moved out and now im free.

[808celica]

wow you guys have strict parents huh?!?!?! basically if i go work (since i finished school), help out in the house, come home alive everynight, and dont screw the family name im good

[njccmd2002]

oh it felt good when i became the man of the house. Nobody tells me anymore, i was 25 just after school, came to the U.S. with my wife and kid to start a new life.

[terbear4god4life]

bowchicawowow