As if I really needed more BS, From my ex... Options

[Yota]

So you may have read about my issues with my ex in the "I decided" thread started by Chucho.

Well, she called me and wanted to start everything over because she believes that he and I will end up together in the end and we just need some time to straighten things out. According to her, we should start completely over and be friends for a while and progress as things got better. Now, in order to understand this situation, you need to know that I have a real soft heart when it comes to women I care for, like, love and am in love with. I agreed that her and I might be able to have something still in our relationship, and would need to start over from scratch. But the first things she needs to do is:
1. Grow Up. We can't be together if we're just going to break up over arguments (like we had been notorious for)
2. She needs to mature. If she is serious about this, no more BS with other guys and trying to use them to persuade me of something
3. Put forth effort in order to receive benefits from this relationship. She needs to be able to comfort me when I need to be comforted, just like I have to when she needs the comfort.

So everything was going ok. We wouldn't really talk much, but I guess that can be expected when so much has just happened between us. One day, she called me and asked if I thought this was really going to work. And I told her that it stands no chance if she won't return my phone calls. So she agrees that it would help, but I had to realize that she had been really busy the last couple of days and didn't have time to have a long conversation. I was alright with that, and told her that we need to talk more, even if it is just a phone call saying "hi, how are you?" type of stuff.

So the last 2 days or so went really well. We talked a bunch, had a great conversation about life and our careers we're persuing and all of this other stuff. Today I even called her, and she seemed relieved about me calling her because she was tired and wanted someone to talk to to keep her relaxed (which I am very good at doing).

She ends up telling me that she is going out to the bars with this kid she knew from high school and used to work with. She was telling me that I should expect a drunk dial from her. I don't usually like getting those types of calls from her because I get worried that something bad might happen to her. But her call does come through, and yes she was drunk. But she was asking how my night was going and hoping that I was having a good night as well and all of this other stuff. She also told me she would call me when she left that bar (which I perceived to be a good sign, meaning she wanted to keep talking to me because she misses me or something)

So like a half hour later I get this phone call. And its her. She tells me that she needs to tell me something. She tells me that next weekend she is going down to the University of Illinois for the weekend and she's going to meet up with this kid that she really likes alot. She is telling me this because she thinks I deserve to know because she plans on dating him. But she still thinks we'll end up together.

I get upset about it because I dont think either of us should date someone new if we're trying to resalvage our relationship of 3 years. She then goes on to tell me that she thinks this kid is everything she's been looking for and has more qualities than I do...Yet she still think she will end up with me. (Yes, she told me that this kid is basically better than me but she thinks we'll end up together). I get irate over this and tell her its not gonna happen between us if this is how she feels about him. I also tell her that I can't be just friends with a girl that I am in love with and if we're not going to work things out, I can't ever talk to her again. I tell her this because I know my heart will just ache everytime I see/talk to her. The bad part, is that she is willing to sacrifice our 3 year history and our future for a guy she's no more than talked to over the internet for. So I guess as of now, the girl I've been head over heels for has broken my heart for the 3rd time in 2 weeks and I won't ever talk to her again.

The even worse part about this all is THIS AFTERNOON we were talking and we had planned to go out to dinner next saturday and catch up and physically see each other for the first time in a month.

For christmas, I bought her a ring. She wanted a ring that was platinum, silver, or white gold with sapphires in it. I purposely bought her a sapphire ring with yellow gold. She also has always wanted a Toyota Supra. So I bought her a japanese model of a Supra and built it and painted it just like she'd want it. And I made her this wooden box. Now, the ring went in the box, the Supra sat over the ring and the box was locked. The key to the lock had a toyota emblem painted on it. When I gave her the key, I told her I bought her a supra. Then I gave her the box to open where she saw the supra. She picked up the car and noticed the yellow gold ring. I told her that the ring symbolizes the problems in our relationship. But if we love each and are dedicated to each other, together we can come up with the happiness and everlasting love we both are looking for. And from there, we can take back the yellow gold ring and together pick out the one she really wants that makes her happy.

She still has the yellow gold ring and Saturday we had planned to swap rings together and pick out the one she really wants.

So now you can imagine how hurt I am because I thought we were taking some huge steps in the right directions with our own relationship if we were both willing to get this ring situated and go out to dinner. But not even 6 hour later and her drunk off her ass, she tells me there is another guy out there that she would rather be with instead of me...

I hate my life...

Any advice from ya'll?

[saleeka]

sad... and sorry to hear... In my opintion she sounds totally not ready to settle down until, no offense, she f*cks it all up and she realizes that she wasted her time on other people who hurt her in the long run... and in a word, to me, thats SELFISH... Whould she tolerate the same from you??? I hope not, just like you shouldent for her, in all honesty... thats just my instint on the situation... althoug the saying is true if its meant to be it will come back to you... just my concern is how much hurt will be inflicted before that happens...

[spunky393]

I'm going to need all of you 6gc just as yota needs us now when i get heavy into college. I also have a girlfriend of about 2 years, and i CAN'T lose her, just can't. I know how you feel yota, and if things are suppose to be, then they will. You can't go against God's plan as you may have already found out. Please, just pray about it, ask once, and forever graciously thank him for even being there to listen to you. Life isn't life without love, and if you show your love to God, he'll show you who he made for you. Thanks for taking the time to read my reply, and any questions or hey, just want to talk to someone that's been there and still is there, go ahead and PM me, i'm all open to talk about the one's you love and how to make things right. You'll be fine.

[Anub1s]

Sounds like the relationships is way to problematic to be successful. There is a line between success and failure and you are teetering toward failure. The ring was a very creative way to peak her interests and to show her how you felt and what you thought that the relationship could grow into, but she evidently doesn't care that much. It sounds like what she is doing is trying to make sure that she loves you and wants to possibly spend the rest of her life with you. Thats why she is planning on dating someone that is "better" than you. But on the flip side it could also be that she wants something to fall back on just in case you guys don't make it all the way. You need to have a talk with her about what the relationship means to her and what her plans for the future are. Ask her why she is going out with that guy, it doesn't fully make sense to me and it sounds like it doesn't make sense to you either. If she thinks you guys are made for each other and will spend the rest of your lives together, why is she wanting to date someone else? It just doesn't add up. Why don't you date someone else as well? See if you think you really should be together, put the relationship to the test, thats really the only way you will know for sure what is meant to be and what is not meant to be.

[Yota]

I'm going to try and date someone else.. But the thing is, if I date someone else, I think its a sign of me moving on. And to be quite honest, I don't want to date anyone while I have these feelings for her. I feel like that wouldn't be fair to the new girl I'm dating.

I never thought it was true that one person could literally change over night. But I think she did because I really don't know this girl like I used to. Part of me wants to talk to her about the situation like you guys have suggested.. Another part of me just wants to forget about her and see if this fork in our relationship's path will join together again like she hopes it will.

I think you guys are right about how much more pain I'll have to go through before things are better between us. Its a hard decision to make. Do I move on and try to get over a girl that I have never been more in love with? Or do I keep trying to win her over?

I'm not afraid to say that I am the best guy for her. She doesn't seem to listen when I tell her that..But then again she doesn't give me the chance to show her it either.

Ya know, she told me that her and this guy had 'intelligent conversations' about Bush, and Saddam and Iraq...and that was something we've never had. I wanted to scream at her because I can't believe that she would say something like that! Just because I'm not very political doesn't mean we never had had an intelligent conversation. We wouldn't last 3 years and be so close at times without having an intelligent conversation..Thats just all there is to it.

If she's as confused as she is, should I take her back if she falls flat on her face? This wouldn't be the first time I've taken her back...But this is the first time where I've been this in love with her... I just don't know how to handle this anymore..

[ghostdog]

bottom line there is no way you and her can have a healthy relationship ever again. she dropped you and then got with some other guy, this means she has no respect for you, she feels she can use you as a doormat. no matter how much you like her you should never have given her the time of day again. regain control, forget her and never talk to her again.

[Ale_lock]

bottom line there is no way you and her can have a healthy relationship ever again. she dropped you and then got with some other guy, this means she has no respect for you, she feels she can use you as a doormat. no matter how much you like her you should never have given her the time of day again. regain control, forget her and never talk to her again.
[right][snapback]242371[/snapback][/right]

Basically! Just stop talking to her, I was in a somewhat similar situation, the girl couldn't make up her mind on two occasions so the first one I left her be & 3 months later she returns then after 1 yr 4 months she again needs to find out these new found feelings for another guy, I told her she isn't going to have me around this time shyt doesn't work out for her & dumped her. Now I'm with someone who appriciates what I have to offer into the relationship & got my ex calling me bi-weekly wanting to hook up, even if its just for @ss.

[Digndoug]

I tried readin everyones response, but too long.

One thing to keep in mind, When women get drunk, thats when there true thoughts and wants come out. First women are crazy, and they will agree to that, or there full of it. Second, you gotta put a stand down and say FUCCK IT and prove to her that she fuccked up and wont get her chance back. This was like my old relationship. I was the nice guy, and my ex didnt apriciate. Like we had a halloween party planed togeather and she ended up working late, then got back when half the people were here, got all mad at me.. dunno why, then got drunk from some shots, and then bitched and was saying shes leaving to go to another party.. Which Later i figured out she meet some "friends" I think a group of guys and wanted to hang with them. I said **** it, and argued with her, and then she broke down an cried then passed out. Next day it was over.

My point is, dont put up with ****. Theres plenty more women out there that will treat you like the way you treat her. Also look for somone that has there **** stright and is more mature.

[Anub1s]

We've all had those women that we thought we were in absolute love with, and knew the relationship wouldn't work with. I had one particular love interest over the past like 3 months, but she dated my best friend and I knew that things wouldn't work out but I wanted it to so badly. My feelings seemed to grow stronger and stronger and I hated myself for it, but, once I got thinking straight and remembered that there are litterally millions of available women out there, and one could be more compatible than her I would be okay. Funny thing is after I stopped caring so much she started pushing it on me....crazy women. She is now back with one of her old boyfriends and I am happy for her, and I really couldn't care less any more. See if you can work things out with her but don't go overboard, women just aren't worth so much stress and work. Take it easy for a while and she will come to her senses if its meant to be.

[coustoe]

Sometimes I think love is overrated.

you know the japanese dont have a world for love.

I think its just a western Invention.

Love is just selfishness disguised.

Just treat everyone as a friend, Ya make them you lose them, no biggie.

[Consynx]

everything is sooo long!!!

[Akimbo]

Wow so much of this is so reminescent of crap with me.

Anyway, macavely needs to get in on this. We call him 'Hitch.'

[Yota]

Its hard to just let someone go that I've been so close to for 3 years now...

She means everything to me. I'd take a bullet for her if I had to. I really miss her too... I can't move on yet because my feelings are so strong for her.

I have gotten 3 phone numbers in the last 3 nights (woot for me!) but I can't seem to be that excited because I still have these feelings for Carrie (ex..)

[Akimbo]

Understandable. I relate to that entry there Yota. Well, I did. But give it time, and you'll start having fun. I'm having fun with life like the past week, hella livin it up. Give it time, cliche, but true
time heals all
But i wouldnt put any effort into trying to get back with this girl

[Yota]

Akimbo,

did you just break up with someone?



Its pushing three weeks now that I've been broken up with her. How much more time will I freaking need????

The rest of you guys,

This is whats happened since I started this thread.

She is "torn" between whether to date this guy, or try to work it out with me because she "see herself ending up with me in the end." But she and this guy have talked about dating. He really wants to. But she isn't sure because they'd be starting a relationship with a 4 hour distance away from each other, she doesn't know if it will work out after they have physically met each other (thats right folks...she is talking about dating a guy who is supposedly a wonderful person but hasn't ever seen him), and would put a damper on her social life back at school.

Her exact words to all of this were "I want to end up with you, but I don't know why I like him so much"

She also told me I'm the most important person in her life. If that was the case, why on earth would she have to consider ANYTHING?!?!

Ok, I understand that if her and I were going to be together for the rest of our lives, it would be a little nervewracking to admit that without dating anyone else. So I can see where dating other people to prove that we're right for each other would make sense. So I don't really know what to think? And I know you guys are just going to tell me to let her go..But it really isn't that easy for me to do. I can't just pretend these last 3 years never existed. and like I am the most important person in her life, she is the most important in mine too.


Oh, and did I tell you that she got jealous when I told her about this girls number I got? Why would she be jealous if she's basically got a new boyfriend?

This post has been edited by Yota: Feb 7, 2005 - 12:46 AM

[Akimbo]

Yes I did. But it's closing in on three months. You get over it. I dunno. There's a civil war brewing inside me currently over a female. I know I don't need it to live but I miss her. You live though, I'm healing faster every day. Leave the ball in her court. Then find a new 'ball and court' and go play, playa. She might wanna one on one later. At which point, you got a choice to make.

This post has been edited by Akimbo: Feb 7, 2005 - 1:32 AM

[Yota]

That is a good way to think of it. Ball and court.. I like that.


what do you mean about the civil war over a female? Is it your ex, or a new girl?

[Akimbo]

Ex. Like I'm fighting with myself about moving on and sticking around. Moving on is kicking sticking around's ass purely because of what has happened + outside influence and my own feelings. Ya can't stick around and torture yourself over something you don't have. If you do, you might let somethin far greater slip right by.

[Yota]

Well...Its over now. I guess. Its going to be really hard to move on without any part of her in my life...But I gotta give it a shot..Its my only option now.


Thanks for being here for me guys. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. I dont know what I'd do without you guys. You're really good people. I'm glad I own a Celica.

[acenova]

*edit*, just read yota's last post.

This post has been edited by acenova: Feb 7, 2005 - 2:52 AM

[Anub1s]

Well...Its over now.  I guess.  Its going to be really hard to move on without any part of her in my life...But I gotta give it a shot..Its my only option now.


Thanks for being here for me guys.  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life.  I dont know what I'd do without you guys.  You're really good people.  I'm glad I own a Celica.
[right][snapback]242859[/snapback][/right]

I'm sorry to hear about that dude, I bet its hard. I can't really sympathize with you, I'm not what you would call a guy who's popular with women. I hope it all works out for you in the best way possible. Just try to get out there and forget about her. It's going to be nearly impossible to get her entirely out of your mind, but once you get to the point where you just don't care as much as you did, you will be better off. Get out there, call that girl, have some fun and get on with life.

[Yota]

If it were that easy to just pick up the phone and call a girl and start all over...I would have done it by now. But I can't do that while I still have these feelings for my ex. I think right now, I just need time to heal and pick myself up.

[celicagurl152003]

Hey Yota,

Here's some input from a female point of view. Truthfully you are getting some really good advice from the other guys but all i have to tell you is if a woman is looking at another guy and not you then apparently she's not that interested anymore. i mean she may say that she is deciding if she wants you or this other guy but do you really want a girl that isn't sure if she wants to be with you over someone that could really care for you. She's got you right where she wants you to be. i mean she's litterally playing on your feelings here. If she wanted you she wouldn't have to decide, and you seem to really care for her but if she can't see that hey it's her loss. move on you don't need the drama, you can find someone who wont play with your feeling and care for you just as much as you care for her. AND WHATEVER YOU DO IF SHE WANTS YOU BACK AND SAYS THIS GUY WAS WRONG FOR ME BUT NOW I KNOW YOUR THE ONE DON'T BUY IT!she's playing with your heart again. she's just coming back cause she thinks you'll take her back. your worth more don't put up with that crap.
good luck

celicagurl152003

[Yota]

I have thought about that...I mean basically what you're telling me is that I'm just a second place finisher in all of this. But, we also agreed on dating around before settling down with each other. I understand where you are coming from and you might be right.

I don't know what to think anymore so I'm open to all these suggestions to the situation. I can't move on because I'm still deeply in love with her. I think about her constantly everyday. I can't even do anything to get my mind off of her.. Thats how bad this is. Everyday seems to get worse for me. I don't know what else to do...

This is also a 3 year relationship we're talking about here. Could it really go down the tubes this quick and be completely over? If thats the case, I don't know if I will date for a long ass time. Is this why the divorce rate is near 50%?

This post has been edited by Yota: Feb 9, 2005 - 11:09 PM

[celicagurl152003]

See but you have to think of it this way, you are dating people to see who is the right one for you. I see that you love her but she dosen't know what she wants, at the same time she's thinking about dating another guy. What i'm trying to say is that if she wants to see other guys now, then what if your married and she gets tired of the realationship with you and wants to go off again? Are you going to want to go through this all over again and get hurt more? Trust me I know where you're coming from I was in a relationship with a guy for 4 years and he said close to the same thing. I loved him alot but at the same time I new that i couldn't waite around for him to make up his mind. I didn't date for 2 years hoping he'd come back and he never did. He is now married to my old friend and I'm still alittle hurt but I realized there are "other fish in the sea" I know that sonds corny but it's true. and you will feel bad and want her and trust me it is hard but it fades and you will see that okay you and her were not ment to be but you were ment for someone else. if she's putting you through this kind of pain and she knows you love her then shame on her, it's her loss. She has made the decision now it's your turn to decide do you want this kind of love that is full of uncertainty or do you want the kind od love that is equal to what you have to offer someone. You can put two people together but you can't make them love each other , maybe she knows this and is trying to let you off the hook by ging you these hints. you have to decide for yourself if you think you deserve more than this, from what i read i think you do. you sound like a great person and she is toying with that thought.

celicagurl152003

[Yota]

You're right...There is nothing that garuntees the fact that this wouldn't happen again if we got back together.

The 'other fish in the sea' sounds bad. maybe I'm the fish that she caught and shes waiting to catch something bigger before she throws me back in...

It isn't something I want in the end of all this and there has got to be someone out there that will realize what I am to a relationship..

[celicagurl152003]

you got that right you go for the love that someone is willing to give you in return.

[Yota]

Thats what I'm hoping to do. I wish I wasn't so weak about this all...

[Digndoug]

Thats what I'm hoping to do.  I wish I wasn't so weak about this all...
[right][snapback]244259[/snapback][/right]

You bia ... J/K .. just do stuff for your self now. work out, spend some cash on the celi, buy some new clothes, hang out with your close buddies. Anything to forget about her asap. THEN Move on.

[Yota]

Word to that...My swap is gonna be kicked in overdrive now.