Welcome to the ever-collapsing world of John... Options

[Mynzeyes]

if you don't feel like reading it...i don't care.

background: 6+ years of my life is gone...and despite the desire to be "friends"...we can't, because any attempt to talk to her, i'm accused of being nosey, and it's no longer "any of my concern" or "business".

here are some words to marinate on...give your feedback...but i can't promise you that i'll even give a damn...

Mynzeyes: she's just so consumed
Mynzeyes: in making "her own life"
Mynzeyes: that i'm being completely shut out
Mynzeyes: it's like
Mynzeyes: there's no line to differentiate between total involvement
Mynzeyes: and complete segregation.
Mynzeyes: it's one or the other.
Mynzeyes: so when i tryt o simply talk to her
Mynzeyes: i'm being nosey
Mynzeyes: because she's so amazed by the fact that she's "her own person"
Mynzeyes: it's like she's so ****ing thrilled
Mynzeyes: that i'm no longer there
Mynzeyes: like i was some huge burden on her
Mynzeyes: that now...she's free.
Mynzeyes: she's no longer a captive
Mynzeyes: and she "controls herself"
Mynzeyes: and it's just absolutely mesmorizing to think that i could have caused such anguish in her life
Mynzeyes: to make things so much ****ing better without me
Mynzeyes: i wish
Mynzeyes: i could just ****ING GET OVER IT
Mynzeyes: BECAUSE THIS DOES NOTHING FOR ME
Mynzeyes: all i do
Mynzeyes: is sit here
Mynzeyes: and ****ing stress over it
Mynzeyes: and it gets me ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Mynzeyes: it makes me WORSE
Mynzeyes: but i do it anyway
Mynzeyes: i still...
Mynzeyes: would do anything in this ****ing world for her
Mynzeyes: i would still die for her
Mynzeyes: but she wouldn't even ****ing notice
Mynzeyes: and it eats me
Mynzeyes: from the inside out
Mynzeyes: until i will only remain a shell of a person
Mynzeyes: because i'm too weak to stop it
Mynzeyes: ok
Mynzeyes: let's put everything aside
Mynzeyes: except for me and her
Mynzeyes: and what we had.
Mynzeyes: what did i get out of this...
Mynzeyes: did i get what i wanted?
Mynzeyes: no
Mynzeyes: did i fail at my "mission" in life?
Mynzeyes: yes
Mynzeyes: did i lose everything i've ever had
Mynzeyes: and ever wanted?
Mynzeyes: yes
Mynzeyes: do i understand ANYTHING about it?
Mynzeyes: no.
Mynzeyes: did i learn anything?
Mynzeyes: yes.
Mynzeyes: what did i learn?
Mynzeyes: that there is nothing more to life than CONSTANTLY BEING DISAPPOINTED.
Mynzeyes: and constantly longing for that one bit of happiness
Mynzeyes: that is always right there...
Mynzeyes: but you just can't ****ing grab it
Mynzeyes: because to do that
Mynzeyes: would be to achieve
Mynzeyes: but once you achieve true happiness
Mynzeyes: there's no reason to live after that..
Mynzeyes: but the thing they don't tell you
Mynzeyes: is that being SO close to said achievement
Mynzeyes: and it moving away
Mynzeyes: constantly wears at your soul
Mynzeyes: and after so long...you have nothing left.
Mynzeyes: you don't know who you are
Mynzeyes: you don't know what you want
Mynzeyes: you dont' know where to go
Mynzeyes: you are lost...
Mynzeyes: which brings us to where i am.
Mynzeyes: lost.
Mynzeyes: soulless.
Mynzeyes: i have no motivation to do anything
Mynzeyes: seeking true happiness is seemingly endless
Mynzeyes: and mesmorizingly painful
Mynzeyes: throughout every step you must take.
Mynzeyes: soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Mynzeyes: i cry.
Mynzeyes: and i wish.
Mynzeyes: and i hope.
Mynzeyes: but all it does is dig me deeper into my abyss.
Mynzeyes: because my ship isn't coming back...
Mynzeyes: my ship seemingly doesn't notice that it's a man light...
Mynzeyes: it's like...
Mynzeyes: wishing that your deceased loved one would return
Mynzeyes: no matter what
Mynzeyes: nothing is bringing them back
Mynzeyes: but you can't help but wish
Mynzeyes: and think
Mynzeyes: and all it does is hurt
Mynzeyes: it solves nothing
Mynzeyes: but you just can't ****ing help it
Mynzeyes: because you're so attached
Mynzeyes: and no matter who tells you your anguish is futile
Mynzeyes: you don't care
Mynzeyes: because you feel so strongly about something
Mynzeyes: that it consumes your entire being
Mynzeyes: no matter how much you KNOW that things will never be the same
Mynzeyes: you dwell on how much you want it to be
Mynzeyes: people say...it's because of "comfort" with that person
Mynzeyes: or that situation
Mynzeyes: but they don't have a ****ing clue
Mynzeyes: sure it's comfortable
Mynzeyes: but that's because your heart, mind, and soul are intertwined with something
Mynzeyes: and to sever that
Mynzeyes: is to shred the threads of life...
Mynzeyes: much like the shearn sweater of yesteryear
Mynzeyes: such is your being
Mynzeyes: because of 1 single person
Mynzeyes: in a world of however many billion...
Mynzeyes: 1 person..possesses the power to destroy someone
Mynzeyes: from the inside
Mynzeyes: which is far far worse than any physical pain you could ever fathom
Mynzeyes: so...
Mynzeyes: i don't care
Mynzeyes: what other people think of her
Mynzeyes: no one knew her like i did
Mynzeyes: no one can change what happened.
Mynzeyes: no one can change the pain
Mynzeyes: the happiness
Mynzeyes: no one can understand my love
Mynzeyes: people can understand love
Mynzeyes: but they can never understand MY love.
Mynzeyes: and...neither will i...
Mynzeyes: as much as i don't want to, and know i shouldn't, and know it's not a good idea
Mynzeyes: but i wish
Mynzeyes: i wish she could see what i've told you
Mynzeyes: i don't know that she would even understand me
Mynzeyes: at all.
Mynzeyes: i'm drained...
Mynzeyes: mentally.
Mynzeyes: emotionally
Mynzeyes: and physically.
Mynzeyes: again.
Mynzeyes: sigh
Mynzeyes: i wish i could keep articulating myself
Mynzeyes: but
Mynzeyes: i just can't...

-John-

[Mynzeyes]

i know i'm just depressed...so please don't just point out the obvious...

kthx..