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[thedevilmaycrie]

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not **** in the vegetable garden again either!"

This post has been edited by thedevilmaycrie: Mar 24, 2005 - 5:04 PM

[madmods]

A millionaire was having a huge party at his estate. He stopped the
band from playing to make an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have
lived a full good life, and now challenge anybody here to a dare. I
will give up my estate to anybody who has the guts to jump into my third
swimming pool which holds two great white sharks, and swim across it. If
you can complete this stunt and live, the estate is all yours. At that
moment a big splash was heard, and everybody turned towards the third
pool to see the butler swimming feverously to the other end. Both sharks
were swimming towards him with their jaws open. The butler barely made out
alive. The surprised millionaire said, "Oh my God, you did it! I am a
man of my word, the estate is all yours! You're a rich man now. What do
you got to say for yourself, how about a few words?" The butler panting
hard answered, after catching his breath, "I just want to know which one
of you a$$holes pushed me in the pool"