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[thedevilmaycrie]

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not **** in the vegetable garden again either!"

This post has been edited by thedevilmaycrie: Mar 24, 2005 - 5:04 PM

[StrangerDanger]

A man walked into a quiet bar.

He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his
left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.

He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with
the bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced enough to have learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man
with the ducks had to go to the restroom.

He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks.

There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one
another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.
"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your
name?"

Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and
out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance on another day I'd do the same again" said the duck in reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and
said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," SHE said, "my name is Puddles."

"And don't even ask what kind of day I've had."