College Student needs help Options

[Cexlica]

thanks

This post has been edited by Cexlica: Mar 4, 2008 - 1:35 AM

[orvillescelica]

With the same caveat, i do not intend to be in anyway rude or negative to you. I applaud your desire to get back into college and would like to help you in any way that i can, so please take my comments in the spirit they are intended.

i sort of agree with CF, the entire letter was difficult to read. I often times had to re-read the paragraph to understand your point. I would first get rid of the entire first paragraph and start with the idea of the second.

I understand you are trying to appeal to their emotions, but instead i get the sense in the second and third paragraph that you are only making excuses. Instead of listing why you were too busy for school, in one SHORT sentence own up to your mistakes and appeal to the idea of reformation and the second chance.

Finally, remove all the absolute adjectives from your last paragraph. In this context where you are appealing to their emotions, using words like 'guarantee' and '100%' can appear harsh and un-genuine. I know you are genuine in re-entering college and the words in your letter, but this letter is all about impressions. Instead, use a tone that implies that you know your own faults and will be doing your best to overcome them. Try:

"With fewer distractions in my life, I can now concentrate further on my education. I want to be reinstated at Saint College and finish my degree. Making models has been my dream and this is the way for me to realize that. If I come back I will make education a priority, as i now understand it is the road to success."