I'm done with work,, but I still have to sit here until my shift is over. Options

[MaskedMan]

Alright, well I'm sitting here are work practically bored to death. Nobody is talking to me on aim, and practically every site in the company's network is blocked. So no myspace, no games, no youtube, nothing. Rather disappointing I must say. I have about 30 minutes left before I depart this wonderful place I call work, so I thought I would spend some time and post a completely useless thread. What should I rant about though? Hmm well, I've been doing some thinking about life, and it seems like everything is working out rather well, but there are still some rough edges that need to be worked out. All in all, I am able to say that I am happy with life. Sometimes, I forget where I'm going, and what my dreams are, but I'm quickly reminded of my goals with the support of my girlfriend. I have no idea what I would do without her sometimes. I realize that my goals are just getting started and I'm really working hard to achieve every single one of them, but it's going to be awhile before I will be able to do that. There is a lot more schooling in my future. But, things are going to work out in the end, they always do . So for now, all I can do is take life one step at a time.

[MaskedMan]

Alright guys, change of subject, my mind is driving me crazy .

I feel like I'm two separate guys inside, and it's tearing me apart.

The first guy wants this really exciting life, wants to be single and doesn't have a care in the world. He can't be emotionally hurt because he just doesn't care. He moves on from things very often and is really strong willed. He just wants to go out and have a good time. He wants to go out and party and just forget about everything and basically enjoy being young.

The second guy wants to settle down, he wants to get married, he wants a family. He always does the right thing and he actually cares about what happens in the future. He has strong morals and goals in life but is so afraid of being put down or abandoned he is afraid to make a move. He's so confused right now he just doesn't want to be here.

I'm incredibly confused right now going back and fourth and back and fourth. It's not that I want to be single, I know that I don't, but It's a common practice for me to erase my life and start fresh every year. With new friends, a new life, a new me. Why do I do this? Because I always feel like I mess things up soo bad. I over think a lot of things, but I just have no idea what I want to do. I could mess up an entirely good thing just because of stupid stuff I do. I feel like I'm so messed up right now. For the past week, all I've felt like doing is sleeping and not being part of the world, and not having any friends, I don't even want to see any of my family as of right now. For Christmas and New Years I just want to spend it alone, in bed, under my covers with my eyes closed and in silence. I have these highs and lows in life, and yeah, It's not like I'm having a bad day or anything. I don't like to have bad days, no one does, but i always make the best out of them. I guess I'm just really confused right now and I wish things were simple again ya know? I guess I've just never been at THIS point in my life since I've always reset everything. I've never had a real friend, or a real relationship and I guess I'm afraid becuase I've never had to deal with anything this big, and It scares me. I never had to deal with feelings or love or regret or any of this . I feel like I've lost everything I stood for and I feel like I need to find a new meaning in life. I need a reason to go on..

Wow I realized how dramatic I just sounded after that last sentence. Really, no I'm not emo or anything haha, I'm just so confused inside and I have no idea what to do and feel like I needed to vent a little of it out before I went crazy haha.