Strawberries and Coke... Options

[Mynzeyes]

the sharpest of blades
slices through skin
unleashing the pain
that's trapped deep within

as the blood flows warm
down my arm to my palm
i'm suddenly overwhelmed
by a feeling of calm

my burden is lifted
and no pain remains
as i watch all my troubles
spill from my veins

no one understands
the relief by the knife
i'm not killing myself
i'm moving on with my life

-spyrul-

___________________________________________________


So as I sit here, looking at my arm, I realize why it is that I've done what I've done, but I don't know why I'll do what I'm going to do next.

Sitting here, I can't help but think about what's been happening for the past few weeks, or even months. While there are very vivid specifics that have brought me where I am today, I'm not going to go into them, as in the grand scheme of things, they have no impact on the generalized reality that has come to be me.

I've become a believer in the ideal that during our time here, we are not to pick our path, or make our own decisions, nor have they been made for us. However, that we have already made our decisions, and our reason for being here is to understand why we've chosen that path.

Now, where does this put me? As I sit here, I realize that I have no idea why I've made some decisions, and I also have no idea why I've chosen the path that I will choose next. While I also live my life with no regrets, there are many things that I would chalk up under the "mistake" column.

But isn't that what makes us who we are? I know it makes me who I am today, and I have the marks on my arm to prove it. I am my mystakes. I am my faults. I am my accomplishments. I am my path.

Looking at my arm, I now understand more why I've done what I've done. I enjoy hurting myself, but not in the way that is visible to the naked eye. That is just the outlet that I have chosen. I put myself in the most detrimental situations, in which no matter what the outcome, harm is done inside.

In order to cope with this pain which these situations bring, different people choose different means in which to bring themselves temporary reprieve. Some people punch things. Some people drink. Some people write. Some people cut. Some people cry. There are many outlets. Are any more effective than others? No, they aren't. Why? Because it all depends on the person. No one can tell another person what the best outlet for superficial pain is, because it's all relative. No matter what the reprieve is, when the pain stops, when the alcohol wears off, when the pen goes dry, when the cuts heal, and when the tears dry, the intangible pain is still there.

But, we must all find an outlet. Mine is no different from your's or their's, it just happens to be somewhat less common, and that's ok, because that's who I am. If you don't like it, or don't approve of it, I'm sorry.

At the end of the day, I still have my strawberries and coke...

-John-

This post has been edited by Mynzeyes: May 7, 2005 - 2:36 AM