Teh Offical Post Your Joke Thread Options

[thedevilmaycrie]

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not **** in the vegetable garden again either!"

This post has been edited by thedevilmaycrie: Mar 24, 2005 - 5:04 PM

[shin]

lol.....i wonder what would the cab driver be thinking lol..

[thedevilmaycrie]

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

[thedevilmaycrie]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.

Tweeze hairs.

[doGGy]

2 blonds walking down the road near the rye field. And they see another blond in rye field whering a boat....

One blond says: look, becose of such stupid blondes like this one in boat, we all look stupid...

Another replys: yeaa, if only i could swim, i would swim over her and i would kick this Biatch arse...

___________________________________________________________

Walks hedgehog in the woods, suddenly he founds something. He looks at it, sniffs it, puts a piece in his mouth and goes like; TFUUuuuu...... it is a $hit!!!!!!!!!! Thanks god i didnt steped in!!!

___________________________________________________________

Walks hedgehog on the desert, meets camel... Hedgehog ask camel:
-hey you stupid, it must be too much glaze on the road here, right?
Camel:
-what, why???
Hedgehog:
Why why..... why do you put so much sand all over here?

___________________________________________________________

[Akimbo]

I don't drink any more....






....course, I don't drink any less either.

[sphinx]

This is a Memo i sent out to my employess here at work. It's a very serious matter.


Dress Code



...It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your
salary.
...If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.
..If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need
a raise.
...If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days Sick In Bed

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the 3
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the "Chronic Offenders category." Anyone caught smiling
in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health
policy!

Lunch Break

...Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy.
...Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure.
...Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.



Quit Your Complaining!!!



Your IBM Management.
Pablo *****

[BlackCelicaGT94]

A girl turns to her mother and asks "mommy - babies come out of where he puts his pee pee right?" the mother doesnt know how to respond but just says "yes dear" the daughter then responds with "wouldnt that knock her teeth out?"


my mom read that one in playboy and thought it was funny!


my fave one is


how do you know when its bed time at Michael Jacksons house?
- when the big hand touches the little hand


whats michael jacksons favorite whine?
- isnt it bed time yet?!

how do you know when Michael Jackson has a date?
- when a big wheel is parked in the driveway

[blkGT]

not funny natalie. didnt you hear michael jackson is in the hospital for a stomach flu.





apparently he ate a nine year old weiner

[thedevilmaycrie]

BWAH HAHAAHA

[thedevilmaycrie]

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toliet.

"How did you get in here so fast?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

[Drocay]

HAAHAHHAHAHA

[pr_caralho]

not funny natalie. didnt you hear michael jackson is in the hospital for a stomach flu.





apparently he ate a nine year old weiner
[right][snapback]261819[/snapback][/right]

hahahahahahahaha

[thedevilmaycrie]

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

[Supersprynt]

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in. And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!" And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

[Supersprynt]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Supersprynt]

Ad seen in the New York Times...

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.

[Supersprynt]

A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

[Jdog1385]

-I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.

-A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

-During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

-One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

-Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

-I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

-I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

-I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

-I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

-When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father........ I'm very sorry....... We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

-I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness....... AFTER I was born.

-I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

-Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said. "I don't know, kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

-My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

-I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

-I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

-I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

-RIP Rodney Dangerfield

[carb0n_f1b3r]

During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, “The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can’t find in the Good Book.”

A woman in a back pew raises her hand and asks, “What about PMS?”

Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, “Oh, here it is: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.’”


A chicken and an egg check in to a cheap motel room. Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.

The egg says, “Well, that settles that.”


Be on the lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by emale sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "sports bar" in the yellow pages.